And it was Fun

My greatest fear about separation was the impact it would have on my two younger children, and it is that impact that leads to me feeling sad and not always able to handle things so well. When my first marriage ended, my older daughters were around the same age, and when I married a second time, I swore that if I had more children, I would never put them through a divorce.

But things change.

I have enough experience to know that I should not take it personally when Sophia, my six year old, continually asks why I don’t love her daddy anymore. I also know I should not take it personally when she tells me she hates me. At least she is expressing her frustrations, and that is healthy.

But it still hurts.

I reassure her I love her, I maintain routines, and I keep things normal.

Earlier in the week, I found out her dad let her stay home from school for the third time in the last two months because he felt bad for her. I teach in an environment where students have gaps in their education due to missing school, and my research for my master’s degree focused on students who were often away from school. Needless to say, I was angry and told him he cannot be doing that anymore.

In time, things will sort themselves out. My older girls are resilient and have all done well in life, so I know that is the bigger picture for my younger girls. I need to be patient, have quality time with them, take interest in their interests, and keep encouraging them to be the best people they can be.

As for me, I am resilient as well, and I am adjusting to this change in life. Friday was the fourth start of five days without Olivia and Sophia, and it was the best I have handled it.

In the past, I blogged about my tears and being upset; this was the first time I did not feel down about them being away, mainly because I am learning to be comfortable being by myself.

On Friday afternoon, I decided to go see La La Land, and I did not know anyone who was interested, nor did I feel like contacting anyone, so I made plans to go by myself. I know that does not seem like a big deal to some people who are used to going to movies or other places on their own, but for me it was something I was not used to.

And it was fun.

I ate shrimp tacos, drank Coca-Cola and escaped into the beauty of the film.

I love the scene where Sebastian and Mia are at the observatory, and they float away and dance into the night sky. It reminds me of the scene in Kurt Vonnegut’s short story “Harrison Bergeron” where Harrison and the ballerina dance into the air, defying gravity, except it works out better for Sebastian and Mia who are able to float back down into their seats and continue with their romance.

Even better than that scene is the whole segment before the end of the film where Sebastian and Mia dance through an alternate journey of their lives, capturing happy moments that seem to stretch on forever.

I left the theatre in a few tears, because the film transcended my everyday life and I realized I witnessed something beautiful.

This weekend, I also watched Arrival and Manchester by the Sea. Both of those films also transported me to another place and touched me enough for me to cry. So, there were some tears this weekend, but not for myself.

As much as I enjoyed being alone this weekend, I appreciated my friends who contacted me. When I was married, my whole life revolved around my husband and my kids, so I did not take enough time to develop friendships; they mean a lot to me.

And now I’m crying . . . a typical weekend for me.

Take care everyone, and have a wonderful week.


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