About Life and Existence

Friday night was the start of another five days without my two younger kids, Olivia and Sophia. It was also the day I had to upload my financial disclosure for mediation, and the end of a hellish week dealing with real estate agents for house appraisal and fights about selling the house earlier rather than later.

All week, I have been having existential moments wondering about the whole purpose of life, my existence, and if any of it matters.

A few weeks back, I was feeling the same way, wishing I could fast forward my life two years, when things will settle, and all of this transitional phase will be gone.

A friend of mine told me to not wish the void of oblivion to come too soon. I thought about that, and I agreed that this can be a good place to be, as it is an opportunity to try new things in life, and grow in other directions.

So, I decided to take on a new hobby: I have been learning how to play some rock songs on the guitar. The fingers on my left hand are calloused, and it is fun. I have also been playing the piano again; growing up, I trained in Royal Conservatory, and I enjoy playing classical music.

I have also been drinking too much again, and I need to not do that, because it can be a dangerous way to fill my void.

On Friday night, a friend of mine called. We had plans to go for lunch on Saturday, but she had to cancel because she wasn’t feeling well. Then she told me that she hoped I would not be crying all weekend, like I blogged about a few blogs back. I told her I was feeling down, but I would be fine because I had plans to go out dancing with a friend.

Then another friend texted me, and she took some time out of her busy schedule to ask me why I was feeling down. It gave me another opportunity to talk, and I was grateful for that.

Dancing was fun, but I drank way too much, and was not in good shape the next day. I need to stop doing that.

About life and existence . . . I am thankful for my family and the opportunity I have to see my children grow and to see the world through their eyes with their sense of wonder.

I am thankful for my job and my amazing students who have struggled with issues relating to poverty, but still manage to come to school. On Friday, I started reading Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s short story “The Yellow Wallpaper” to my English 30 class. I love that feeling of having them hang on my every word, letting the madness of the story emerge, and hearing their passionate responses.

I am thankful for my friend who told me not to wish the void of oblivion to come too soon. I appreciate the patience with me, the ability to make me laugh when I am feeling down, the good advice, and all the fun.

I am thankful for all my friends in real life and my Facebook friends. Sometimes I get frustrated with social media; I don’t always like the immediacy of it and the exposure. . . . It kind of scares me, but I like seeing the various posts by my friends. Often, they make me laugh and think.

Going back to my existence . . . I matter because I am here, and for now, that’s good enough.



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