Silenced by Fear
In “Cling to this Life,” I wrote about a negative voice inside my head; fortunately, I also have positive voices, and I have learned not to question them, because they always push me beyond my comfort zone into unchartered areas of growth.
My blog is a good example.
The concept, title, and ninety percent of my first blog came to me during a forty-five minute drive to work.
“All right,” I said to myself. “I am going to do this.”
In all fairness, there were three friends who planted seeds in my mind. A few weeks prior, one of them told me about someone he knows who works as a blogger and how that might be good for me because I am an English teacher and I like to write. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it.
Earlier in the week before the birth of my blog, another friend told me that people should always do what they love, and never do anything for money. That made complete sense to me. I have a great job that provides a great life, and I am free to pursue artistic endeavors just because I want to.
Also earlier in that week, a friend made a comment to me. I cannot remember the exact words, but I do remember initially interpreting them to mean that I was boring and did not have much in my head. Naturally, I was pissed off and thought he was a jerk. Then I thought about it, and I think he meant that I don’t always say what is on my mind, and it’s true. It’s part of being an introvert and analyzing everything to death before I say anything. I don’t have that problem when I write.
So, seeds were planted: It was possible to become a blogger, I needed to do what I love (writing), and I do have a lot swarming around in my mind.
If I would have taken a day or two to think about my blog some more, I would have given it a different domain name. Yes, it is about my fears, but there is more to me than being a single mom. I should not have defined myself that way because some people get the impression that hey, I am single and I want to hook up with people.
That’s not what I am about.
But if I would have taken a few days to come up with a better domain name for my blog, I would have talked myself out of it, and that would have been a mistake.
So, let me redefine what it means to be a single mom. For me, it means I have taken on more duties such as shoveling the driveway, keeping the kitchen clean, and singing lullabies to my kids. It also means that I am free to go out with friends and have fun. And, I am free to make my own decisions and not mold myself to someone else’s world. This is my life, and I can experience it the way I want.
Contrary to what my haters have expressed to me, I am not writing my blog to seek validation. After all, one of the prevalent themes throughout has been living life to the fullest without giving a fuck what people think.
I am fully aware that this blog goes out to anyone who wants to take the time to read it, so I am careful with my words. Still, haters have dissected my words and taken them out of context because they do not understand literary concepts such as persona, mood, metaphor, and subtext. So, they attempt to shame and silence me, which is sad because the other prevalent theme in my writing is optimism.
Overall, I am happy I created my blog.
It has allowed me to connect with people I did not know that well, and people who have known me for a long time have told me they have gotten to know me better. It has provided me with a platform to write about issues important to me, and it is an outlet for expression which has helped me to open up more while talking to people. In addition, it is an opportunity to share my writing which I am able to place on query letters in an attempt to have a novel I have been working on for over two years published. Above all, it is fun, and I enjoy doing it.
So, I will continue to write and to listen to those positive voices in my head. And for those haters who do not understand, positive voices are a metaphor for inspiration. They do not mean that I am crazy; however, if it gets interpreted that way, I will embrace it, because it’s better than being silenced by fear.